Still alive 2018-07-10

I had GRS in March with Dr. Suporn this year. The reward of finally feeling comfortable in your body feels great, but recovery has been quite rough so far.

Lots of things are happening, some things are happening too quickly, some too slowly.

I’m finally able to work, but sometimes get knocked out by random health and recovery issues. I’ve been knocked out last week due to high fever, having left my body in a weakened state for the moment.

I’ve fallen behind at least 2 weeks of work and important tasks like fixing my old company in liquidation and finish the tax reports. I am currently waiting that my name gets fixed at the trade register as step before I can get access to its bank account again.

I’m anxious that my inability to fix the (previously very emotionally triggering) situation in time is causing a financial disaster. But the time and the surgery was necessary for me to detach myself emotionally, making me able to go through the paperworks, some showing my deadname.

I massively underestimated my downtime after surgery and the reserves needed. My self-employment grants me no access to sick-pay (yet makes health insurance so much more expensive). I have to function soon because I am running out of backup plans. I think I can, but only if things play the right way.

Wish me luck!

Name change aftermath (update) 2017-08-09

Here’s a brief list of events that happened:

  • I went to the third psychologist for the letter in late September 2016, was drugged on benzos for the week before that due to endless anxiety
  • The appointment with the psychologist went well, promised to write the letter quickly, but took almost 2 months in the end
  • Court approval of my name change arrived at December 7, 2016 (Date sent by court: 30th November)
  • Court approval of my name change with a stamp “became legal” (Rechtskräftig) arrived on January 2rd, 2017
  • It took until February 6th to get the registry (Standesamt) to issue my new birth certificate with correct name and gender (had to pay 14€)
  • I went to other part of the registry (Einwohnermeldeamt) on the same day. They told me that I would need to be deleted and sent me home with a promise to call back within 2 days.
  • They didn’t call back, so I bothered a college of the person supposed to do that on the phone, and them 5 minutes for doing so
  • I got my preliminary passport on February 10th
  • I registered my business on February 15th
  • I got another letter about that I have to pay VAT for the first psychiatrist on August 9, 2017. Another 109,17€ to pay.

Total court cost of the name change: 2208,77€ (3 psychologist letters + court fees).

Total cost of misc fees: 41,80€ Letter from the referring psychiatrist (10€), an early copy of my birth certificate (14€), transportation to and parking fees (3,80€) at the court and the new birth certificate (14€)

Total cost for the new documents, including photo, driver’s license, passport: 148,10€

Concentration and rant about doctors 2017-07-30

In the past months I have noticed that it becomes hard to me to concentrate on tasks. Especially boring ones. Especially when there’s no defined and close deadline.

My mind is rushing, jumping from one thing to the next, wanting instant gratification. Multitasking.

Reducing addictive distractions (such as video games or netflix) seem to help me noticing my brain patterns better, but not in increasing focus.

I noticed that I can concentrate better with a slight headache. Or about a short time in the evenings when I get tired, but not too tired. Or in the mornings if I took something sedative to sleep in the evening, such as Diphenhydramine or Phenibut. But I don’t dare to abuse them for the sake of concentrating.

So, I talked to my GP about these issues and things I’ve tried. I had a 20 minute long talk about how he things that there’s nothing wrong with me and that he thinks that I am just ‘depressed’ after things I fought for so long have resolved.

There are three things that trigger my Iatrophobia: Doctors that don’t take me seriously, doctors that lie to me (or omit information) and doctors that shame me. Please stop doing that. I want to work towards being fully healthy, so please check me up and guide me how to find help.

I was given a referral for a psychiatrist. My question on where to go to or how to find a decent one was left unanswered. Unfortunately my previous encounters with them have been pretty bad.

I had to specifically ask to get my blood values checked, he finally agreed on checking some of them at least (“but I don’t think I’ll find anything”). I asked for a Vitamin D3 screening, he declined, his words were “Yes, I believe that you have low Vitamin D levels but I don’t believe brining them up makes any difference at all”.

After that appointment, I was depressed for the rest of the evening, slowing down my head quite a bit. That was both shitty but also pleasant for a change.

Rücktritt als BOT bei foodsharing 2017-07-02

Ich bin seit Freitag bei foodsharing ungeplant schnell als Botschafterin zurückgetreten. Dazu muss ich was schreiben. Nachfolgend werden alle Namen gekürzt.

Am Mittwoch erhalte ich eine Nachricht von meiner mit-Botschafterin N. Zeitnah darauf erhalte ich eine Nachricht von D. aus dem BotschafterInnenbegrüßungsteam, dass er gerne ein Chat mit mir und meinen Kollegen einrichten möchte. Ich stimme zu. N. schreibt:

Mir geht es vor allem um fehlenden/ verwirrende Kommunikation von Seiten Jennifers. Es ist mehrmals vorgekommen, dass Probeabholer mich anschrieben, da sie keine Antwort mehr bekamen, was einfach keine gute Außenwirkung mit sich bringt und für L. und mich enorme Mehrarbeit bedeutet.

Erst auf Nachfrage ging es um einen konkreten Fall bei dem ich wirklich vor 2 Wochen als ich im totalen Stress war und meinen Papa ständig ins Krankenhaus fahren musste eine Nachricht übersehen/nicht bearbeitet hab.

Ich erwarte, dass ich direkt angesprochen werde, wenn mir Fehler unterlaufen. Nur so kann eine schnelle Lösung gefunden werden und nur so kann ich mich für Fehler entschuldigen.

Außerdem hast du wohl M. gefragt ob sie BOT werden will. Das war in keiner Weise mit L. und mir abgesprochen. Ich finde vier Botschafterinnen für MG nicht nötig, schon bei uns dreien zeigt sich, wie schwierig die Kommunikation ist. Jetzt macht M. sich Hoffnungen und wir sind in keiner Weise so klar, dass wir sie direkt aufnehmen könnten.

Ja, ich habe die Person darauf angesprochen, dass ich sie als zukünftige BOT sehen könnte. Ich sehe sie dafür geeignet und sie hat sehr viel Energie und Motivation in den letzten Monaten gezeigt. Das ganze war eine spontane Aktion von mir beim letzten Stammtisch und ihr mit-BOTs wart nicht da!

Nebenbei möchte ich erwähnen, dass jeder BOT ein Veto gegen Neuaufnahmen einlegen kann. Ich hätte sie also nicht hinter dem Rücken der anderen BOTs aufnehmen können, wenn sie nicht zustimmen.

Wie viele BOTs wir in der Stadt haben ist doch vollkommen egal. Wir müssen alle Pflichten erfüllt bekommen, eine davon ist auch unter anderem den Stammtisch zu organisieren. Dies hätten wir ohne das Engagement von M. das letzte mal gar nicht geschafft. Unsere Kommunikation lief größtenteils über die Stammtische ab - und über ein geteiltes Google-Spreadsheet. Ich war in diesem Jahr bis auf Januar und April, wo ich krankheitsbedingt ausgefallen war, immer anwesend.

How much bad luck can I handle? 2016-08-23

The court didn’t agree to my suggestion of a psychologist that would have had time and take little money to write me my third letter. In fact they didn’t agree on any of the ones I suggested. They have a list of enlisted psychologists, and they don’t seem to share it with other courts and they refused to let me see it. In fact, the judge in person wrote that while I can give suggestions, I have no right to chose my own.

So they picked another one for me. I wrote him a letter, giving him my phone number, asking for an appointment.

He was polite enough to use my chosen name on any contact and I got an appointment on the 15ths of August.

I already started panicking 3 days before. It’s so painful that I have to go through this mess. This is the treatment that is questioning the patient, gatekeep them, and mess up their mental state. And this jurisdiction does not give a shit about how it effects my mental state or my life.

I went to the appointment with a close friend and we stood in front of a closed door. I called the psychologist on his mobile phone and got the information that he’d been ‘summoned’ into a hospital and will have to move the appointment to end of next week (around 26ths of August). I was pretty much broken and cried for the whole ride back, and I don’t know what I have done without my friend in this situation.

By end of the week I got a call from him and he said that he had a heart attack and the appointment will have to move to another 5 weeks… I sincerely wish him to get well soon at this point.

Since that call, my depression got significantly worse. I’ve spent most time in bed, being unproductive.

My anxieties are up too.

What if he doesn’t or takes longer to recover? Will I get assigned another one? How much waiting time will this one have? Will my bank continue to make problems if I get self-employed again? How will agencies react to me using my chosen name? What if I refuse to fill out forms with my given name?