The court didn’t agree to my suggestion of a psychologist that would have had time and take little money to write me my third letter. In fact they didn’t agree on any of the ones I suggested. They have a list of enlisted psychologists, and they don’t seem to share it with other courts and they refused to let me see it. In fact, the judge in person wrote that while I can give suggestions, I have no right to chose my own.

So they picked another one for me. I wrote him a letter, giving him my phone number, asking for an appointment.

He was polite enough to use my chosen name on any contact and I got an appointment on the 15ths of August.

I already started panicking 3 days before. It’s so painful that I have to go through this mess. This is the treatment that is questioning the patient, gatekeep them, and mess up their mental state. And this jurisdiction does not give a shit about how it effects my mental state or my life.

I went to the appointment with a close friend and we stood in front of a closed door. I called the psychologist on his mobile phone and got the information that he’d been ‘summoned’ into a hospital and will have to move the appointment to end of next week (around 26ths of August). I was pretty much broken and cried for the whole ride back, and I don’t know what I have done without my friend in this situation.

By end of the week I got a call from him and he said that he had a heart attack and the appointment will have to move to another 5 weeks… I sincerely wish him to get well soon at this point.

Since that call, my depression got significantly worse. I’ve spent most time in bed, being unproductive.

My anxieties are up too.

What if he doesn’t or takes longer to recover? Will I get assigned another one? How much waiting time will this one have? Will my bank continue to make problems if I get self-employed again? How will agencies react to me using my chosen name? What if I refuse to fill out forms with my given name?

Nightmares too.

One night, I couldn’t sleep because I dreamed that I am being sued of falsification of documents for using my chosen name.

Another night I violently woke up because I dreamed that I received another bad letter from the next psychologist and the court would dismiss my case.

Why do I even have to think about this?

Why do they produce the fuel to give me all of these anxieties?

Why do I have all the bad luck in this process?

I am not crazy and I am not mentally ill because I am trans.

The legal process is what makes me ill.